Homophobia and confusion regarding sexuality can cause extra distress and stop men speaking about being sexually abused.
If a man was sexually abused by a man, he can worry that people will think he is gay and discriminate against him, or that gay sexuality is abusive. If he is gay he might worry that people will think he deserved it or that being assaulted caused him to become gay. If he was abused by a woman he might worry that people will not take his complaints seriously, and that he should be okay about it.
Sexual assault is an abusive act of power, not a question of sexuality or masculinity. Sexual abuse is not caused by the sexuality or any other characteristic of the person being abused – just as being the victim of robbery is not caused by ‘psychological issues with money’. Like any other act of violence, sexual abuse is caused by the decisions and actions of the person committing the violence.
Given societal homophobia and widespread confusion around questions of sexuality, it can be worth taking some time to consider and think through your sexual preferences and choices. You might talk with a partner or qualified counsellor/therapist and identify how you most like to express affection and your sexual energy in enjoyable ways in the present.
It can be useful to consider:
- Is it possible to separate out sexual activity or thoughts that feel compulsive – that you feel compelled to think about or do – from those that you freely choose to engage in? What differences do you notice?
- What does ‘healthy sexuality’ mean to you?
- What ways of relating with your sexual partner(s) fit with the kind of person you want to be?